The Ethics of the Sexual Conquistador by Gregory Purvis
September 10, 2008, 12:53 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

     The brutal nomenclature and ritually disregarded control characterizing that deviant sexual role-playing   favorite—the “rape fantasy”–is arguably the perfect first for XSEX.a After all, XSEX is all about the x-rated particulars of a subject matter many of my fellow Americans consider x-rated to begin with. That being, of course, sex—with just the single ‘x’.

Depending on your own sexual wiring, gender politics, and self-honesty, just admitting “casual interest” in some (okay, any) version of rape fantasy can be enough to dump you head first into some very hot water. In fact, most men will simply deny the fantasy exists at all.b That is, until they become sexually involved with a woman who isn’t shy about revealing the “darker side” of her fantasy life. And once she opens the doors, the average guy is going to walk right through. Some of us may suspect a trap, so it is doubtful that the word ‘rape’ will actually be used, at least on the guy’s part. But the important thing here is: guys take suggestions well; most of my kind will do pretty much anything if it even marginally relates to sex of one kind or another.   

Many (and perhaps most) sexpertsc agree that rape fantasy is normal, therefore (at least by transference) it is a part of your well-balanced sexual diet. But the subject can be a sensitive one for men and women both…and this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not sexually adventuresome. My own experience with it first came along when I was 19 or 20—in the form of a direct request. Not your common, garden-variety fantasy fufillment request. To the best of my recollection, the subject came up as a whisper in the post-coital darkness of my bedroom.

“I want you to come in through the window, maybe,” she said. “When I don’t know you’re even here.”

“Why can’t I just open the door?”

“Well…just so I don’t know you’re coming. And maybe you wear a mask. And you just…like, you know, just…take it. Take me.”

Even in the anonymity of the darkened bedroom, with the post-orgasmic sedative swimming around in our heads, loosening those pesky moral hand-cuffs that were hindering the language of love…well, lust, maybe. It was hard for her to say what she wanted; because what she wanted was to not really want it, at least at first.

And how do you talk about THAT…in polite society, or otherwise? After all, rape (most of us would agree) is a horrible crime. Not the WORST crime, as I have heard some name it. Maybe these people don’t have the same violent imagination I do…but, believe me, I can think of LOTS of things that would be worse than rape.

But why quibble over quim? Rape is bad. Unless your name is Ted Bundy. Which is why I believe statutory rape should be either struck from the law or modified—including a name change.

It seems a bit insulting to a rape victim to equate that person’s experience with the fact that when I was 18 I had a 15-year old girlfriend.

            Then again, the ‘statutory’ part will continue to be necessary as long as there are people like Michael —– One of his teenaged disciples had this to say, in the documentary—-:


“I said, ‘Well, Michael, I’ve been having this thought that I just needed to come up here and take off all my clothes.’

And he looks at me and Hed kinda smiles.

So I said, ‘Well? Shall I?’

And He thought for just a minute, and He was quiet, [and] I know He was listening for Father’s instructions and He said, ‘You may.’

And so I did, and then He said He would hold me.

I hadn’t even thought of that, it hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

[Another teenager] “You just knew you needed to get naked with Him.”

“Yeah! I just knew that this needed to be literally, physically naked. So He took…we went to the bedroom, and laid down…”


It seems obvious to me that this relationship is certainly not ‘normal’ by most definitions of the word—or by the definitions of your average American, no matter what religion they practice. But there are differences between improper relationships and illegal relationships. Whether this specific incident (and others like it, within the same group or in other groups with similar methods and motives) was illegal or not depends on that particular jurisdiction’s definitions of the age of consent. In Alabama, where I live, the Age of Consent is 16(?).

But this example does not take away from the inescapable historical fact that we’re a puritanical and reactionary nation where sexual behaviors are concerned. Our forefathers and foremothers were lucky one of the first things the pilgrim’s did was to begin brewing beer (and, soon enough, whisky), or we might not even be here. If we had left it up to folks like Cotton Mather and Dr. Kellogg, the human race would have died out from a lack of procreation. So the next time you see some redneck wearing a “After 12 Beers, Every Woman Is A 10“ t-shirt, instead of thinking something rude and unkind about his uncouthe attire, buy him a beer. You might not even have been born if it weren’t for beer’s natural ability to overcome puritanical attitudes about sex.

But back to the main topic under discussion.

Rape fantasy does not necessarily indicate a willingness to use violence to force sexual congresse but is instead all about giving up control. In criminal rape (at least, according to yet more sexperts and other semi-official know-it-all’s) it is supposed to be all about violence (and control, too). Personally, I do not agree. I believe there is a sexual component that is just as important to the damaged mind as the violence and control. Somewhere, somehow, and at sometime, the rapist got some wires crossed. Or maybe they are simply woman-hating sadists. Does it really matter? The point is, rape fantasy is not something sadists and abusive alcoholic assholes who have to take what they want to get it up do when they can’t be out raping. That type of rape fantasy is more about reliving prior crimes, and getting psyched-up for the next one. The ‘good’ rape fantasy is just what the name implies: a fantasy.

So if its harmless, why does it invariably migrate from masturbation material to an active part of the action? Well, sometimes it doesn’t. In many cases, fantasies are more like dreams. You have them, and you go one with being a ‘normal’ straight-laced vanilla sex kind of person. Most people don’t live their lives based on incidents that occur in dreams, and the same could be true for fantasies. I often dream of flooded landscapes and the ocean. When I wake up, I don’t have the sudden urge to flood my backyard or take a trip to Daytona Beach. Besides, that probably just means that I have to go to the bathroom. But the point is, fantasies can stay fantasies. When the become more than just mental masturbation, it doesn’t change their status as fantasy.

Still, just admitting you have them can result in some odd stares and worried looks. For a man, even the hint of the word ‘rapist’ (or ‘date rapist’f) can ruin your social life, cause friends to disappear like rats abandoning a sinking ship, break up relationships (even one built from the strongest sense of trust), and result in debilitating depression and potential serious legal issues as the person is forced to live with a stigma regardless of the truth of what really happened. Of course, if the shoe fits, by all means lace it up. But false allegations obviously DO happen, as several Duke University lacrosse players found out to their horror. And just think what might (and probably would have) happened had the young men not had access to expensive lawyers.





XSEX is all about the seX. Equal parts diary, blog, and ezine—XSEX is naughty, nice, sweet and nasty. Brought to you by the letter ‘X’, XSEX is X-rated XTC…a X’ing point where culture collide and genders cohabitate, a collaboration of hedonistic calculus where X marks the G-spot and X=anything and everything that ignites passions and perversions, from the weird and wicked to virginal and vanilla. ‘X’ represents the anonymity of a one night stand, a variable that means many things to as many people…while what we are NOT is a lot simpler and to-the-point: XSEX does not advocate any particular moral viewpoint, but that should not suggest the contributors are swingers, sociopaths, or deviants (though some of those definitions remain open to debate in the case of specific contributors). XSEX is a communication between people, exploring personal sexuality. This site is intended for adults, 18 years old or older. XSEX does not provide pornography or links to pornographic material. The Internet is about 99.4% porn. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding what you’re looking for—but it ain’t here. XSEX does not advocate any type of illegal practice, specific lifestyle or particular kink. Our purpose is to provide an open dialog as well as an honest consideration of human sexuality. If you’d like to contribute, please write to xsex@live.com for Contributor Guidelines. Love letters, hate mail and short comments on feature articles should utilize the wordpress comment system. Comments are disabled for ALL diary-type posts (such as “My Sex Life (or Lack Thereof)”, “Bonedance (The Skeletons In My Closet)”, “One 2 Ten”, etc.). Comments are encouraged for “The Toy Box”, “Miss Bitch’s Dungeon of ‘Yes, Ma’am, No, Ma’am’“, “Ask-A-Slut”, etc.  


a For more information on the word ‘x-sex’ (alternate: ‘xsex’)—specifically as it relates to the blog of the same name—please refer to the document XSEX: The Manifest Destiny of Human Sexuality found in the ‘About’ section of the XSEX blog, hosted by wordpress.com. Specifically, x-sex refers to any topic concerning human sexuality that is considered in some (any) way to be controversial in nature. Since sexuality itself—in most aspects of Western culture—remains generally associated with shame, embarrassment, and awkwardness, the stated ‘goal’ of XSEX is to provide a means to discuss elements of sexuality which are in general thought of as controversial, and may be (in specific) feared, abhorred or vilified. XSEX DOES NOT intend to become a vehicle for perversity; in other words, this blog was not started as a fan club for any particular practice, fetish, act, or kink. In fact, XSEX may often express the ‘con’ issues of a particular subject as much (and in some cases, more) than the ‘pro’…though this characteristic (applied through the device of literary criticism) does not relate to the origins of the title (it is XSEX not Ex-Sex or ANTI-sex). It should also be stated that this is an ADULT discussion; This blog is written by and for grown-up’s…you won’t find pornographic images or standard ‘adult content’ or ads for 900-numbers or user reviews for devices with descriptions that include words like ‘dong’, ‘butt plug’, ‘ass master’, ‘wadd’, ‘hott’, ‘exxxtreme’, etc. etc. Even so, this blog is intended for adults over 18…and preferably adults that know how to read. As a final note on content: I’m always interested in correspondence and comments, but save yourself the time and trouble if you’re writing to tell me how sick/twisted/freakish/perverse and/or childish you think I am. If this material offends you, I have no apologies and only one general purpose, catch-all comment in return:

“Fuck off. All the way off.”

Thank you and may your tomorrows be many and more.

b As a 30-something Gen-X’er, most of my male friends are between 29 and 39. A quick, informal poll of my male friends revealed that only 1 (in 10) would confess to having “rape fantasies” (defined as either a private sexual fantasy  or part of sexual roleplaying with defined boundaries and a willing partner). Six more admitted to either fantasies or experimentation with bondage and domination and/or sadomasochism that included elements of restraint; none of the seven were comfortable with the term ‘rape’.

c I despise the term ‘sexpert’ simply because it is cute and saccharine drivel. I use it (hopefully sparingly) simply because it expresses a type of ‘Sex in the City’ /Dr. Drew/Dr. Ruth pop culture psychology fad. 

d I have changed ‘he’ to ‘He’ to reference the fact that this man’s teen (and adult) disciples believed him to be God and/or Jesus. Where the young woman references ‘Father’ she is referring to God, not Michael.

e ‘Sexual congress’ is an ‘Only In America’ phrase. While I am no language expert, I’d be willing to bet that the first person to use that little gem was an ugly old white man that went to his bitter, joyless grave without so much as a handjob from the village idiot. ‘Sexual congress’ is about the most dry, unappealing, unsexy term this side of ‘intercourse’.

f I believe the term ‘date rape’ should be eliminated or replaced for similar reasons as ‘statutory rape’. It seems wrong to filter the crime of rape in any way, using some modifying word like ‘date’ or ‘statutory’. By modifying the word, you water it down.


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