X S E X


DEVIANTS: Half-Elves and Helicopters by Gregory Purvis

 

Reay Tannahill—in her interesting and informative book Sex in History—gives readers an overview of human sexuality from our primitive prehistory paternity, down through the rise of the first great ancient societies to modern gender roles and pornography. But, as with all histories that attempt to cover countless generations of human society, Tannahill couldn’t (and didn’t) detail every dot, dash, footnote and freak. But reading between the lines, the oddities of the past make sweet love to the present…and approximately 9 months into the future you get a brand-spanking new generation of strange bedfellows.

In other words, there is nothing new under the sun. No new perversion, sexual deviance, sex position or fetish is likely to be much of a surprise when you consider the length of a man’s…history.

Take, for instance, Edward Smith of Yelm, Washington.

Eddie owns a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle. But it’s not for transportation. Oh, no. “Vanilla” (as Ed calls her) is his girlfriend. And this is definitely a friendship with benefits.

“[Vanilla] is a sexy, sensuous name,” Ed tells a documentary filmmaker. “Almost every inch of her body is a thing of beauty.”

And though I should be asking WHY and HOW (exactly) this man makes sweet love to his Volkswagen, the thought that keeps interrupting these more practical questions is: what part of “her” body isn’t a thing of beauty..?

My best guess is the license plate. I try to picture this gnome-like man getting it on with Vanilla’s chrome-plated tailpipe. Then he looks down, maybe gives Vanilla’s German rump a playful slap, and sees…the tag. It expired last month! And maybe—just maybe—that realization would intrude on Ed’s fantasy enough so that reality hits him in the face like a squirt of 40-weight motor oil:

“What am I doing?” I imagine Ed asking himself, suddenly ashamed. “I’m sticking my dingus into my car. I think I may need professional advice—and not from a mechanic.”

But the truth is, Ed doesn’t see anything wrong with the love he feels for Vanilla.

“She’s my lover,” he says, proudly. “And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

Ed even writes love poems to his car:

Vanilla Beetle of 74

Your creamy body I adore

Flesh and metal, overwhelm

Man and Car become one

(…)

Where my sun sets, freed

From the light of day and dark

I leave my loving seed.

 

The documentary then shows Ed walking his dog, and you can see the relief in the dog’s eyes. It doesn’t take a K9 psychologist to figure out what Ed’s dog is thinking:

“Thank God he doesn’t like Schnauzers.”

The same documentary interviews another man who has an even weirder sexual fetish—if you can believe that. This guy has an obsessive sexual desire for the souped-up helicopter of the 80’s TV show Airwolf.

He followed air shows like hippies followed the Grateful Dead, going anywhere the object of his desire was on display. Apparently he managed a few moments of alone-time with Airwolf at one of these shows:

“I just couldn’t hold back,” he admits.

When he heard that Airwolf suffered severe injuries in a crash, his grief was nearly overwhelming. Just talking about it to the documentary filmmaker (presumably years later) was enough to make him emotional all over again.

The 2013 movie “The Counselor”  [Directed by Ridley Scott / Screenplay by Cormac McCarthy]

features a hot-and-bothered Cameron Diaz having sex with Javier Bardem’s yellow convertible Ferrari.  He describes the event as resembling a catfish—an animal I personally find repulsive.  Then again, I can put it out of my mind for Cameron Diaz.

It’s a little easier to understand when the object of obsession is a human being, however. But what if it’s a half-elf like Bjork? Her stalker, who painted his face up like Mel Gibson in Braveheart and recorded a strange, rambling video diary before committing suicide, left some clues about his odd desires:

“Today I searched the Internet for obsessive details on Bjork. I want to fuck her. Which I suppose means that I’m some kind of Neanderthal. I’m not supposed to admit infatuation (lust) when it’s attached to someone as “vital” an artist as she is. But I can’t help it. Like all geeks, my darkest fantasy (besides jackbooted world domination) is sexual relations with an elf. And Bjork, despite that horrid song “Human Behavior” is quite obviously not human. I will leave the exact nomenclature of her fey race to the type of experts who speak Klingon and write poems in Tolkien’s Quenya.”

Now, this guy is FUNNY.

Err…WAS funny.

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